Last night after my 3:00am shift ended, I decided to talk a walk around my neighborhood to give my brain a break from talking about suicide for 8 hours.
I threw on my Toms, plugged in my ear buds which were blasting Joanna, and since I was actually wearing pants during work last night, I threw on my cape and hit the door.
That’s right, my CAPE. (Back story here) 😉
As I walked around my block releasing the tensions of an intense night of conversations, I began to soothe my mind and observe the trees and the wondering bunnies which inhabit our neighborhood. The weather was perfect, actually. It wasn’t cold, but there was enough chill in the air to feel like Fall. It was also the quiet part of the early morning when the late night’ers had retired and the early morning’ers were enjoying their final hours of slumber. The peacefulness engulfed my stressors and forced calmness into my mind.
I can walk for hours in that state of pure mindfulness, which I have done many times before, but my tired eyes were disallowing full submission to the desire. The wind was subtle, but strong enough tousle my hair and clothing, which is when I began to catch glimpses of the back portion of my poncho in the street light.
I suddenly felt an intense sorrow and appreciation for Nick, my chosen life partner. (Learned that nifty term while signing up for a membership together at the Art Institute of Chicago— It is their way to recognize that we are more than dating, share an address, and don’t plan on signing up for OkCupid again… I appreciate it.) I thought, “Nick didn’t sign up for this,” and “This cape is ridiculous.”
When I met Nick for the first time, sure my jeans were rolled up enough to feature my shoes as a focal point, which I did very intentionally. And of course, I am still labeled as “Garrett with short pants” in his phone. Sure he knew he was taking a risk on me. But he did not at that time consider that he would be dating someone with an odd hybrid hipster with a lady-man flare style, did he?
I truly doubt it, he’s too mid-western. He literally wears the same pair of jeans and flannel every day. Okay, he alternates occasionally, but the pickens’ are slim.
That is when it hit me: People change.
In fact, everything changes; it is literally everywhere: the stock market, one’s moods or attitudes, the length of your toenails, the color of the leaves. I had a bit of an existential meltdown when I started to think that every second that passes your body is different. Like, I am getting older each millisecond— Does that terrify anyone else?? Just me??
Conversely, the actual hard part is to think of something that doesn’t change: my love of capes, death… Oh, actually that kinda just occurred to me: Death is constant… I’m feeling deflated with this post now. BUT, that change just occurred within out 10 seconds. Perhaps I can hype it back up, because we don’t know when death is coming… Also, if you’re like me and actually believe in vampires, then that discredits the fact that dying is an actual non-changing event.
Anywho, to be alive means change, which is also something that doesn’t change: change itself. Okay, so maybe there are a few. Do you remember earlier in the post where I said I worked until 3:00am?
Life is change. One of the reasons I choose to be with Nick is because it is important for me to be with someone that continuously accept me, even if that means accepting the fact that I wear capes. Or that I get random tree tattoo’s while he is at work (They were actually not random, but I did fail to mention it to him until after I got them— I will put a picture below.) But he accepted them, he changed, shifted, for me.
That is my goal: to welcome change, acknowledge, and hell, even try to help it along.