Well, it’s been a long time blog buddies! I’m certainly seeing a trend: when in school = no blog posts. But I did it! I survived what was described to me as, “the hardest semester in my program!” But in all honesty, it was freaking hard. I’ll be brief: nepotism, unqualified professors, was that rape?, lifetime movie double life, looks in mirror, and loneliness. A lot to deal with in four months, and not all school related, but again, I survived!
As a therapist in training, I can’t stress the importance of learning about oneself. I did it. Hell, I probably do it too much. It’s a constant struggle. I believe for any clinician that delivers services to clients, they need to be very self-aware. With that responsibility comes a lot of reflection and pain. During the middle of the semester I asked my supervisor, “Does everyone feel so intensely?” She responded, “Most people are afraid to.” I am not boasting, merely expressing what I’ve learned this semester. Feeling is hard when you are a consumer of other people’s emotions. I’m learning more about being empathic, and the accompanying obstacles. The major, most generalizable lesson, I’ve learned is that of balance. There is a yin and a yang to everything. And along with my difficult semester, there have been an equal amount of blessings.
Here are some of the positives: travel (got to go to NYC, Portland, Seattle, and I’m going to Germany in January!), amazing new friends and supporters, more in-depth knowledge of my career (which includes self-awareness), and an immeasurable amount of knowledge learned through my internships. Recently someone very wise told me, “Anything you do that is scary is worth it in the end.” — Or some version of that 😉 Regardless, I completely agree. I predict as my career progresses, I will continually have some form of an existential crisis.
Which leads me to my current crisis. “I aint lost, just wondering.” Thanks, Adele! In six months I will be finished with graduate school and moving somewhere. Where you ask? No fucking clue. Mind you, I’m not afraid of moving, it’s the ‘where to’ that freaks me out. I operate best when I have a plan. I have no plan. I know that I’m moving, but whatareyougonado? So naturally, this
lack of plan feeds into my suppressed fear being single. I suppose I need to take some advice from myself and stop compounding the “unknowns” and “what ifs.” So here’s what I say to my clients: “Lets practice. It’s a safe place.”
1. I will find a job that I love- because I am a hard worker, and I’m very passionate about my career.
2. I will love the place I move to- because I am a very positive person; I try to see the beauty is most things.
3. I will find love- because I have a lot of love to give. i will get what I put out, which is love.
4. I will work hard, and I will create life.
5. When experiencing yin, wanting to be in yang, i will have a positive perspective, which will grant me balance.
So, back to the beautiful lyric by Adele: “I aint lost, just wondering.”— If I’m not enjoying my wondering stage, what’s the point?
And I will. I surely will.