I aint lost, just wondering

Well, it’s been a long time blog buddies!  I’m certainly seeing a trend: when in school = no blog posts.  But I did it! I survived what was described to me as, “the hardest semester in my program!”   But in all honesty, it was freaking hard.  I’ll be brief: nepotism, unqualified professors, was that rape?, lifetime movie double life, looks in mirror, and loneliness.  A lot to deal with in four months, and not all school related, but again, I survived!

As a therapist in training, I can’t stress the importance of learning about oneself.  I did it. Hell, I probably do it too much. It’s a constant struggle.  I believe for any clinician that delivers services to clients, they need to be very self-aware.  With that responsibility comes a lot of reflection and pain.  During the middle of the semester I asked my supervisor, “Does everyone feel so intensely?”  She responded, “Most people are afraid to.”   I am not boasting, merely expressing what I’ve learned this semester.  Feeling is hard when you are a consumer of other people’s emotions.  I’m learning more about being empathic, and the accompanying obstacles.  The major, most generalizable lesson, I’ve learned is that of balance.  There is a yin and a yang to everything.  And along with my difficult semester, there have been an equal amount of blessings.

Here are some of the positives: travel (got to go to NYC, Portland, Seattle, and I’m going to Germany in January!), amazing new friends and supporters, more in-depth knowledge of my career (which includes self-awareness), and an immeasurable amount of knowledge learned through my internships.  Recently someone very wise told me, “Anything you do that is scary is worth it in the end.” — Or some version of that 😉  Regardless, I completely agree.  I predict as my career progresses, I will continually have some form of an existential crisis.

Which leads me to my current crisis.  “I aint lost, just wondering.”  Thanks, Adele!  In six months I will be finished with graduate school and moving somewhere.  Where you ask?  No fucking clue.  Mind you, I’m not afraid of moving, it’s the ‘where to’ that freaks me out.  I operate best when I have a plan.  I have no plan.  I know that I’m moving, but whatareyougonado?  So naturally, this lack of plan feeds into my suppressed fear being single.  I suppose I need to take some advice from myself and stop compounding the “unknowns” and “what ifs.”  So here’s what I say to my clients: “Lets practice.  It’s a safe place.”

1. I will find a job that I love- because I am a hard worker, and I’m very passionate about my career.

2. I will love the place I move to- because I am a very positive person; I try to see the beauty is most things.

3. I will find love- because I have a lot of love to give.  i will get what I put out, which is love.

4. I will work hard, and I will create life.

5. When experiencing yin, wanting to be in yang, i will have a positive perspective, which will grant me balance.

So, back to the beautiful lyric by Adele: “I aint lost, just wondering.”— If I’m not enjoying my wondering stage, what’s the point?

And I will.  I surely will.

Best,

G.

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