At what age do adults stop dreaming? When does it become evident that the aspirations of your past, can no longer be a reality? These are the questions that flooded my mind, as I drove past a well known subdivision, yesterday. I wondered what percentage of those households consisted of two parents (male & female), and if they felt stuck? Did they feel like years of their lives have been lost? It’s an easy place to get to, so probably so.
Two years ago, I was in that exact place in life, minus the spouse and youngsters. I had a job I hated, bills that were unending, and questions galore. Every morning I woke up to the same daily problems and every night I went to sleep dreading the next set of them. Life was miserable, but I did have hope. I hoped that one day I would travel the world, or live in a small studio in New York. I, also, hoped that I would find a fulfilling job and start a family. But could those become a reality, my reality?
The answer is, yes. Well, partially. That is the year I decided that instead of saying I was going to do something, like travel, I needed to just do it. I got a more fulling job, I starting writing more, I traveled (oh boy did I travel) and most importantly, I was finding my happiness. I living my dreams, which were inspired by my hope. This new reality did several things for me, but the utmost value I learned was: never stop living in the moment.
Living in the moment forces me to not procrastinate life; I started traveling and went back to school. It requires me to actively pursue the life I currently want. However, this has developed my greatest fear along with my greatest virtue:
1) I’m absolutely, positively, scared to death of monotony. HUGE FEAR. On many occasions my mother has expressed how there are years of her life that she, simply, does not remember. She was BUSY raising a family and working full-time. When she did try and live in the moment she was consistently challenged by her, all too serious, husband. Thus, reveals my “sub” fear: not having a spontaneous partner– but that is an entirely different blog 🙂 Basically, I don’t want anyone to hold me back. I require my partner to possess the same zest for life that I strive for (luckily, I’ve found someone equally yoked.)
Monotony, is easy to fall into, and it can be very nice. I do love coming home to the same person everyday, but I will NOT live my life the same way most people do. I’m sure I’ll look back and laugh over these words sometime in the distant future, but here’s hoping.
2) In the book I’m reading, E.L. Doctorow states, “Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” Well, isn’t this how life, also, is? We never really know where we are going to be, until we get there. At the beginning of last year, I never thought I’d end the year in Paris, but I did. A friend of mine recently told me to move to her city after I get my MSW. I would love to, but I have no idea where my life will lead me at that point in time. Which, to me, is SO exciting. I have the “lights” to get me to where I’m going, and I enjoy looking back to see where I’ve been. This short, tiny, glimpse of time we are given, is something I will never take advantage of. I may never live in New York, or publish a novel, but I will continue to dream.