Lately I’ve been reading a lot about balance, which seems to be, somewhat, the goal of my last few months. Before I wrote this post, I was considering making seperate posts entitled: 1) Final reflections on France and 2) break ups. After much internal debate, I decided to combine the two because, in actuality, they both relate. And it allows me to find the balance in my situations.
Anytime I reflect on a life event I’ve been in, I start by thinking of my original purpose. In this case, my original purpose to travel to France was because I was given a second chance. I believed that if life gave me a second with someone then I should take it, as life doesn’t always give them. Although my outcome wasn’t necessarily favorable, I still believe this tactic. So my trip wasn’t a waste, not by leaps and bounds.
Now let’s go back to the beginning: I went to France to visit a potential suitor, Cyril. We met a few years ago, before I told everyone I was gay. We hung out for a few months, before I ended it (like I’m doing now, but under much different circumstances). It wasn’t because he was a bad person, that’s not the case at all, it’s because I didn’t want to be gay. I thought maybe if I ‘got it out of my system’, then I’d live a straight life. This wasn’t the case and I left a few casualties along the way (to say the least!). ** Random tangent: This is what I feel most remorseful about: leaving hurt people along the way of my personal journey. I’ve come to the realization that it is just apart of their personal journey (for me to hurt them), but it’s still a very raw emotion for me.** Cyril, was my first casualty.
I later chalked up my time with Cyril as a timing issue. Everything in life is about timing. If the timing’s off, it’s like putting a circle ball into a square hole; it simply doesn’t work. Fast forward 3 years, two nasty divorces (both parties, individually), you will find, a more mature, me going to visit Cyril.
France was amazing. I did wonderful things with a wonderful person! To name a few: Christmas markets, wine, great food, museums, Eiffel Tower, coffee, falling in love, learning, arguing, laughing, making out, the list can go on for days! One of my favorite parts was visiting a beautiful cathedral, where I had a orgasmic experience (if it’s even acceptable to integrate a holy place with orgasms). However, my ABSOLUTE, favorite part was being shown how well a man can treat me. Cyril, is absolutely, the most amazing man I could ever wish for.
So why did I break it off? I don’t know exactly. I had to turn of my brain and allow my heart to do the deciding. I’ve been focusing on allowing my entire body to make my responses for me. If my brain, heart & soul aren’t on the same page, something’s got to cave. Unfortunately, it was my future relationship with Cyril.
I feel very sad about my potential relationship, yet very refreshed by getting the opportunity to experience life with him. I’ve recently accepted the fact that I’m not very good at relationships, but I am good at taking risks. I will travel around the world to find love. Does this make me a hopeless romantic? Doubt it. But it did make me realize that if I’m willing to throw myself off a bridge for love, I need to be prepared to make the fall if it doesn’t work out. I’m sad I’m in the process of falling, right now, but on the way down my mind and heart are full of the wonderful memories I made with Cyril.
This aquatic bird has sank, but will always love and appreciate the man that treated me like a king.